The five pillars complexity of a healthy and long-lasting relationship and why dating failures can be a sign to focus on your personal growth and pursue your dreams

For a truly healthy and long-lasting relationship which makes both partners stronger, I believe the following five pillars must be fulfilled:

  • The woman has to be physically attracted to him and vice versa
  • The woman has to feel a strong emotional connection with him and vice versa
  • The woman has to share the same way of life or at least accept and be willing to be part of his life journey and vice versa
  • Both have to be positive people with a high level of self-love and a strong mindset that impedes any form of depression or distorted thinking
  • There must be some mutual interests

It sounds quite simple, right, but I am still waiting for all five pillars to come together in my life, and I know many of you feel the same. I share with you some of my defining dating experiences in life. At any time there was one pillar missing. And I tell you why I believe that it is just meant to be like this until the time is right.

love-chemistry With my first “real” girlfriend I had a wild connection, bonded by a strong chemistry, often lashing into each other, and making out and ignoring our friends at social events. I think I can easily say we were addicted to each other physically. A few months later, though, you wonder whether you share more than “just that”. You realize that there are no mutual interests. We had nothing to talk about. I am an entrepreneur who has high ambitions for his future, always ready to explore the world, work on myself, and nurture my many interests. She, in contrast, wants to settle, is happy with her job as nursery school teacher, and has no real dreams at that time. You realize quickly that every second you stay you get delayed from pursuing your dreams. So I left.

wrong-time During my university years I met the girl I was physically attracted to the most I can and probably will ever be. I loved everything about her body, how she moved, how she smiled, I even loved her when she was angry. I was obsessed with her looks. At that time I thought she or no one. We even shared so many struggles, challenges, and similarities in life that an emotional connection was unavoidable. Still there was something that was so decisively different that we could never be in a healthy relationship that would make both of us stronger and happier. We had totally different views and approaches about how life should be and how we gain lasting happiness from life. Thus we could never go through life together as we had a totally different perception of the perfect walk through life. Besides, we met at the wrong time when we both were busy to find our own happiness and self-love.

One of my relationships during my studies was interrupted by today’s expected incident called exchange semester. Returning to the same city eight months later as two different persons than we were before with new goals and preferences made it not possible for us to find together again.

Last year I met a thoughtful, happy, strong, and beautiful woman online. When we met physically it only took one hour until we both thought “wow, this must be my soulmate”. I could talk with her about everything. There could be silence between our conversations and it would not feel awkward. We would look into each other’s eyes and smile. It felt right. She is the woman so far that I could connect with mentally and intellectually the most. We spent a lot of time together in the summer. I kissed her gently on our first date while standing outside in the rain, and my whole body was shaking every time I could hold her hands. couple-holding-hands-in-sunset It was a slow progress not knowing how it will end, but after another beautiful day she grabbed my hand and stroked it gently while we were attending an open air concert, and my whole body was shaking again. I was starting to completely fall in love with her and ready to surrender myself fully to it. The next day she told me she does not feel the same that I feel for her. I was lost and sad. I could not understand it. She was looking for a fictive perfect man, and I could not meet all characteristics of that man. I was fighting for her as much as I could without success. We met again after not seeing each other for several months. While listening to what is new in her life (she now has a boyfriend), I looked into her eyes and immediately felt desperately attracted to her again (physically and emotionally), I felt the butterflies reviving in my stomach and I wanted no more than to keep eye contact with her and fall in love with her, but I knew she just sees me as a friend now. So I looked away and soon after payed the bill. I will never understand why she did not feel this tension between us that I always felt.

Recently, I dated a woman who I know is interested in me. And I can not deny I love her physical appearance. But honestly, I can not stand her, we have a lot of different opinions, and I know I will never get on a deep emotional level with her which is a requirement for me to start a serious relationship.

career-focus Also not long ago I dated a thoughtful, gorgeous woman with big ambitions in life. So at the first glance it seems to be the perfect match. And we actually laughed together a lot, we shared a mutual understanding and our eyes were searching each other with the desire and outlook for more. She called me the next day and I would love to meet her again. However, she is busy the next two weeks. Although you would need to know more details, this is already one signal why I think it won’t end in a healthy and promising relationship. She is actually fully devoted to her career and putting everything else behind, thus only considering to have friendships with men and deliberately avoiding to fall in love. She puts herself under pressure to be always productive and to not waste time. I prefer a woman who can balance her life well.

Luckily, I am an introvert who happily spends the majority of his time with himself. Thus, I do not feel the desperate need to find the right woman. I love myself and I will continue to meet new women because you never know what happens. While some people seem to be lucky to meet their soulmates in an early age, others like me play the dating game for years and still have not found theirs. But I can devote this time to pursue my personal goals and dreams, not having to make any sacrifices regarding my daily schedules or travel plans. personal-growth Besides, I can fully focus to work on myself, for instance I can enhance my meditation practices, I can continue to learn new healthy meals, or educate myself further in other areas and discover new interests. This will make me an even stronger man and better prepared for my future relationships, radiating more positivism and happiness towards my partner. The more I grow as a person, the more likely I will attract my soulmate in the future and the more likely the relationship will be healthy and long-lasting. Thus, it is meant to be for me to spend this time alone now. Still dating helps me to figure out with whom I want to enter a serious relationship in the future.

There is a 88% chance that with any women I meet one of the five pillars is not fulfilled (either I am not physically attracted, or she is not physically attracted, or there is no emotional connection, or I do not support or commit to her life journey or vice versa, or one partner is not having a positive mindset and self-loving, or no mutual interests). But I know the magic moment happens to many people every day and so it will eventually happen to me, too. When the time is right. Now I focus on other parts of my life and stay open and attentive to recognize my soulmate. Thus, if you are in a similar situation, be happy with yourself and use your free time to pursue your dreams.

Do you have a similar dating roadmap than me? How do you stay confident to believe the right person will enter your life at some point?